Everybody Loves Faye
by Neviana
Summary: This is a badfic...which means this story was written with the intention of being stupendously...uh...bad. Post RFB, as if that really matters--title pretty much sums it up. Flames will be laughed at.
1. Every Minute, Every Hour

**Chapter One:**

**Every Minute, Every Hour**

* * *

_Another day has gone by  
still have your picture by my side  
I can't forget when you left  
When we said goodbye  
I know it'w hard to carry on  
Can I survive_

_Every minute, every hour  
I just can't get you out of my mind  
No matter how hard I try  
Every day, every night  
I wish you were back in my life  
Can we give it just one more chance_

-2gether

* * *

Faye Valentine sat all alone on the ugly yellow couch. Her beautiful emerald orbs of delight filled with delicate crystalline tears which spilled over her cheeks like waterfalls.

"Spike…" she whispered delicately. The wily ragamuffin had journeyed to Mars to fight his arch-nemesis Vicious. He had gone off to die, all right. Faye imagined he had already been sliced into indistinguishable Spike-bits by Vicious' big sword and the thought made her bosom swell with emotions (the unpleasant ones, like fear and sadness and indigestion, which isn't really an emotion per se, though she often found that indigestion brought about unpleasant emotions so, naturally, she associated the two). Spike had died often, of course, though he usually came back (but not in some freaky way like a zombie, this is just a metaphor). This time, though, Faye had a feeling that Spike would stay very, very dead. When you run off to fight someone named "Vicious" after your _raisin d'eter_ has been snatched away from you like candy from a baby, your future generally isn't looking so good—by which I mean you probably won't live much longer.

"Oh, Spike…how could you fly off on the wings of angels to meet your doom? Didn't you know how I love you and pine for you? (which is an expression, by the way—It's not like I sometimes shed green needles or litter the ground with cones)"

So anyway, Faye was sad. She smoked some cigarettes in a very sad and poetic manner although they created cancerous tumors that slowly ate away at her insides. Love is sometimes like that—very beautiful but heartbreakingly sad, I mean, not cancerous and horrifying. But you know, that's how love goes…every rose has its thorn and every cowboy sings a sad sad song and all that.

I mean, the smoke curled over her head and formed rings like halos which is probably symbolic and the look in her eyes was faraway and lachrymose, so really, it was an incredibly touching scene all around—the kind of scene someone might write a poem or a story about.

But the point I'm trying to make is that she was pretty broken up after Spike left, you know, like a shell of a human being.

Also Jet was sad. He no longer made pancakes with wide egg eyes and bacon smiles, which was his specialty.

So Jet walks into the room and he's got these creases that run deep on his not un-handsome face and he sees Faye all stretched on the couch like some kind of melted popsicle, limbs drooping all over and such.

"You're thinking about him again, aren't you?" he asks ever-so-gently, almost like a father.

Her eyes welled with sadness and she nodded, "He was…my soulmate…"

Jet felt like his heart was sent through a paper shredder of some sort (which is not recommended, as this would be quite messy and is probably illegal in several states). He had never told Faye his true feelings—he had loved her very deeply from the moment he laid eyes on her. It wasn't just her long legs or perky bosoms or her skimpy clothes. He saw beauty in her soul and everything. You know, like you do when you're in love.

"Faye—I—" Jet took a very deep breath and his voice cracked with emotions, "I want you to marry me."

* * *

**A/N: So…this is what happens late at night when I get bored and can't figure out what to do with _Tuesday_. You probably shouldn't encourage such behavior, though I can't guarantee that this will stop me from updating this story…or…whatever it is. I quite enjoy writing badfics, as I sometimes suffer from delusions wherein I am hilarious. So anyway, try not to hold this against me. I promise I haven't forgotten how to write well. …Yet.**


	2. Visualize

**Chapter Two:**

**Visualize**

* * *

_Sometimes we must live through the darkness  
in order to see through the light  
We must visualize_

_Close your eyes, visualize  
the most beautiful girl that could be  
Just one sight, mesmerize  
it's like gazing right in a sea_

-2gether

* * *

Faye nearly choked when she heard Jet's heartfelt words.

"It's true," he continued. He reached for her beautiful white hand and held it in his dead one.

"AHHHHH!!" Faye screamed as she pulled her hand away, "It's so cold and creepy!"

Jet loved Faye so much that her harsh words didn't even hurt his feelings. I meen, they did, a little, but he didn't show it. He was a cop, after all, and his copliness always came first in his life. He was trained to always be brave, even when he was getting shot at or losing body parts.

"Faye…I understand your love for Spike. But he's gone now and all the witch doctors in the world couldn't bring him back to life this time."

Faye felt a bittersweet smile creep over her face at the memory. The last time Spike had died, they contacted the best witch doctors in the galaxy to raise him from eternal death, which as it turned out, wasn't really eternal, that is just a name or an expression like "endless buffet" or "mission accomplished."

"I know, Jet, but I'm just not ready to move on. He was a part of my soul. The night he left we shared the most intimate parts of ourselfs. That night it was like all the angles in heaven were breathing our names. Also it was surf and turf night at the Seafood Shanty. We had the Ganymede sea rat platter…for five ninety-nine!" She broke down in bitter tears again, her sexy body wracked with soblets (which are a lot like sobs, but tinier).

Jet wrapped her in his arm and tried to comfort her.

"I know how it is, Faye. I lost someone special, too." Spike and Jet were friends. I mean, good friends—maybe best friends. You could probably say that they loved one another. Not like that, of course, but the way guys do, you know.

"He was a special person, Jet. And not special in the "we're-calling-you-special-because-you-inadvertenty-set-your-pet-cat-on-fire-with-a-sparkler-when-you-were-twelve" special. I mean really special. He touched my heart with his."

Jet's eyes watered at her poetical words. Faye was always doing that—being very poetical with words. He knew she had a beautiful and sexy soul, which is why he fell head over heels in love with her. And by heels I mean the back part of the foot, not the ladies' shoes. Jet didn't wear ladies' shoes. Well, I mean, not anymore anyway. That was just a phase, okay? High school is a time of growth and experimentation, after all.

"Please, just think about it Faye. I know I could make you happy."

Then he disappeared.

Faye stood off the couch and walked to her room. When she got there she saw Ein the dog standing in front of the doorway, his furry yet alert face marked with hurt and understanding.

So he'd heard everything.

"Bark!" Ein said, his beedy little eyes twinkling with sadness.

Faye could tell ein was upset. She was like the dog whisperer even though she didn't have a funny accent.

"Bark bark!" Ein yelled. His dog-lips quivered and his dog-tears splattered against the floor making little dog-tear-puddles.

Ein was in love with Faye, too. They'd even had a short fling a while back after she was so coldly spurned by Spike. It was nothing too serious—just some cuddling and petting between friends, you know, like you do—but Ein couldn't help but fall head over paws for the beautiful woman as she stroked the soft fur on his head that night. Her adventurous hands had even rubbed his sensitive stomach. He remembered his legs twitching all night after that. Oh yes.

And that might have been all right for her—no strings attached, you pet my head, I lick your hand sort of deal—but Ein was a dog of morals. And kibbles, though that is somewhat unrelated.

Faye bit her lip and reached down to pat his head. Ein growled ferociously, but it was all out of hurt.

"I—I'm sorry Ein. It's just…you're a dog. And I'm a people. It would just…I mean we're so—different..."

"Bark," Ein hissed. I mean, not like a cat, but you know, like you do when you're angry.

With that Ein walked off. He was a very busy dog, actually. There was lint to be eaten under the sofa and coughed up onto the rug, places that needed to be licked, and paperwork that needed to be filed.

Faye admired Ein's hardworking spirit. He worked hard, of course, but when it came right down to it, Faye knew Ein would provide her with every luxury and lots of love. He could offer her a safe and secure lifestyle, something which she needed very badly. But how could they overcome their diversities? How could they quell the longing in their heads and hearts without hurting others? He was a wonderful man of a dog, but a dog nonetheless. And Spike…well…Spike was a wonderful dog of a man. So, naturally, this created problems.

"Oh, woe to me!" Faye shouted yellingly. She fell to her knees, tears streaming down her face. How could she ever find her true love in this cruel and cold world? Would she ever uncover her heart's true desires to find the happiness that lurked inside? Would she ever eat at the Seafood Shanty with Spike again? Could she learn to love imitation Ganymede sea rat even though it had half the fat but all the flavor and that smooth rat finish?

Her lip quivered as she heard the Bebop land in the cool Ganymede waters.

"Surf…and turf…" she sobbed before crumpling to the floor in a ball of whimpers and whimplettes.

* * *

**A/N: I think I should try and write this entire fic using only 2gether songs for chapter titles. Anyone remember 2gether? The greatest boy band to walk the Earth… Anyway, that's it for this chapter. I know you're sad. The suspense must be killing you. After all, you don't see writing of this caliber too often. As always, I would love to get reviews! I, of course, find my antics quite amusing, though…I am thinking that I might be alone there. Oh well.**

**And I promise I won't update this poor excuse for a fic until I put out another chapter for **_**Tuesday**_**. No, really!**

**Stay gold,**

**Nevi**


	3. Sexy Back

**Chapter Three:**

**Sexy Back**

* * *

_I'm bringin' sexy back  
Them other boys they don't know how to act  
I think it's special... what's behind your back  
So turn around and and I'll pick up the slack  
_

_Dirty Babe  
You see these shackles baby I'm your slave  
I'll let you whip me if I misbehave  
It's just that no one makes me feel this way  
(take it to the chorus)_

--Justin Timberlake

* * *

Faye had been very sad the whole week. Her relationship with Ein was, needless to say, on the rocks, and Jet always seemed to tiptoe all around her after being so cruelly spurned, like she nightly yielded a 16 inch machete over his head while screaming an Iroquois war chant, even when she didn't.

But tonight would be different. Jet had surprised her with tickets to see her favorite band, Whoa!Girl in concert. She was so excited she could literally burst. She made sure to wear no less than 7 pairs of underwear to throw on stage – which may seem a little odd, but Faye always liked to come prepared (no pun intended, of course…pervert).

The most exciting thing was that Whoa!Girl would be unveiling their newest band member that night! You see, their last singer was very tragically killed in a freak walrus fire at the San Francisco zoo. He fed Zippy the huggable male walrus seven packages of red hots and a two liter of mountain dew. Surely, you all paid attention in high school chemistry, so you know what happens next.

Faye sighed at the memory as she fixed her makeups in the mirror. She wore her favorite powder blue eyeshadow, her ruby lipstick, and her glitter blush. She looked very stunning, like some kind of 80s princess. She even decided to wear the biggest, puffiest scrunchie she could find. Also some diamond encrusted jellies, which were, of course, quite painful though she gladly suffered for beauty.

Just then Jet knocked on her door.

"Come in!" she said.

"O hai," Jet said as he walked into the room. Faye giggled. Sometimes Jet talked just like an lolcat. It was sort of their thing. "We can has leave nao?"

"Yes, darling, we can leave now," Faye said. Jet offered her his hand and she grasped it firmly as she stood up.

Jet was looking very handsome, she noticed. He was wearing a black and white tux with a big top hat. A monocle highlighted one of his twinkling eyes and he carried a sophisticated black cane. He was so dashing and handsome—a striking gentleman. Also a striking Mr. Peanut.

Faye smiled to herself as she reflected on the many qualities jet shared with Mr. Peanut. They both had brilliant smiles, a fondness for 19th century gentry dress, and delicious nuts. Jet was, after all, a lover of fine pistachios.

But that is all beside point. Jet whisked Faye off to the Whoa!Girl concert in a beautiful horse-drawn spaceship for a night filled with romance and beer nuts.

* * *

The venue for the Whoa!Girl concert was beautiful. There were lots of multicolored lights that made the dirty concrete floor and plywood walls look not-quite-so tacky. I mean, it still looked like they were trapped in a small plywood box, in a horse stable or something, but the lights made it feel like they were trapped in a plywood box trapped in a rainbow trapped in a horse stable.

"Would you like a drink before the show starts?" Jet asked.

Faye turned to him. Jet looked so hot in his neon half-shirt, cut off shorts, and water shoes. He was like some balding 80s god.

"Oh, Jet, I would adore that! Make it a tequila slammer."

Jet smiled. Faye was so classy. "Whatever you want, my dear." He kissed her forehead and then walked off to the bar.

Faye giggled and turned toward the stage. Just then, Whoa!Girl walked out!! They were all wearing very shiny sequin vests and hot pants. Faye blushed and hid her virgin eyes.

"What up, y'all!!" Chesterton yelled into the microphone. He was the cute one with the terminal illness and the lead singer of the band. Chesterton was always Faye's favorite, even if he did have stage I prestidigitation. This caused him to faint dramatically and often. Also small forest animals sometimes fell out of his clothing.

"What what what! Lez get dis hea' hizzous a rockin!" said Kenny G. He was the group's 'bad boy,' even though he didn't play the saxophone or record mood music.

Chad, the shy one, hid in the corner while being consoled by Joey, the 'older brother.' Faye laughed. She loved Chad and his antics. Crying was a classic Chad-ism.

"As I'm sure you all know, tonight is the night our newest member makes his debut!"

The crowd cheered. A gaggle of retainers flew threw the air and littered the stage. I mean, they were thrown. By fans. It's not as if they actually flew threw the air on metal wings. (A/N: LOL!!).

"So, without and further redo, here he is…Whoa!Girl's newest member!"

The hottie with the body walked out on stage wearing the same outfit as the other guys. Faye squinted, blinded for a moment by the glittrification of his sequin vest and boy-toy shorts. Then, when her vision returned…

"GASP!" Faye said.

IT WAS SPIKE!! (A/N: GASP!!)

AND ON STAGE!! (A/N: DOUBLE GASP!!)

AND ALSO IN A BAND!! (A/N: faints)

Then Faye fainted very beautifully and dramatically, because she did everything beautifully and dramatically. Was it really Spike? Had her true love come back to her in the form of some glitter encrusted, drop dead sexy pop icon, to be worshipped by her and prepubescent teens all across the universe? Secretly, it was exactly the kind of fairy tale story Faye had dreamed of. She always wondered what it would be like if Spike came back as a member of a boy band, sequin shorts and all. It was a secret dream she had. Some had called it crazy.

But it wasn't crazy. It could be real! It would be just like in all the 20th century movies Faye knew and loved!! …You know which ones I mean.

Just then, Spike leaped off the stage valiantly, swinging from a hanging microphone just like Tarzan and Godzilla combined. He landed perfectly at Faye's side and gathered her in his arms.

"My love! Please awaken!" he said, a single tear rolling down his cheek. He shook the limp girl in his arms desperately.

Faye's eyes fluttered open. "My…my love? Is it really you?" she asked delicately like champaign bubbles.

"Yes! Yes, my darling!" he said exclamatorily. He frenched her forehead.

"Oh, I'm so…happy…" She smiled beautifully and sniffed at his cologne. She loved his cologne. It gave him a certain…oh…I don't know what. It was a scent she always identified as uniquely Spike.

"I knew I loved you from the moment I saw you, standing there in the crowd all alone. We were meant to be—wait, what's your name?"

"Faye…remember? Faye Valentine. Spike…how could you…"

"Spike?" he looked at her very confusedly. "My name's not Spike. I'm Mike. Mike Beagle."

"But…no. You're—you're Spike! I know you're Spike! You have the bacony stench of Drakkar Noir and Aqua Velva all over you!"

"It's true!" he said, shaking his fist at the heavens, "But alas, I am not Spike…"

"But how…"

"Faye, noooooooo!!" Jet screamed, rushing to her side.

"Jet! It's Spike!" she exclaimed, pointing to the man in whose arms she was in.

"No, Faye! You can't know the truth!"

"The truth? Jet, what are you talking about?"

"I didn't want to tell you this, Faye…but I am afraid I must. You see…Spike is suffering from….AMMESIA!!"

"AMNESIA!?"

Jet nodded solemnly.

"Spike, is this true?" she demanded.

Spike shrugged.

"Get it together, Faye!" Jet yelled, "how is he supposed to know he is suffering from AMNESIA?!"

Faye's lip quivered. Jet had never yelled at her like that. Was he hiding some kind of secret? Did he know more than he was telling her? Why was he yelling at her?! She cried.

Just then, a giant light fell on Jet's head!!

"Jet!" she screamed.

"I'm okay…" he said, standing up and shaking his head. "Wait…no I'm not. For I have…AMENSIA!!"

* * *

**(A/N: So there you have it. I'm not sure how it compares to chapter two, but I am quite proud of my plotting here. And, if you think this is weird, prepare for things to get even weirder! Muahaha!)**


	4. I Wanna Know Your Name

**Chapter Four:**

**I Wanna Know Your Name

* * *

**

I never knew  
That love could put a spell on me  
Then you walked into the room  
Yeeaa, ooh!  
What to do  
Should i let my package show  
Or should i try and play it cool

_-2gether_

* * *

**_Last time on Everybody Loves Faye..._**

"What do you MEAN you can't find the antidote?" Faye yelled screamingly. "If we can't find the antiserum...half the people on this planet are going to die."

"Damn it, Dr. Valentine!" Dr. Jet's fist crashed against the desk. "Don't you think I know that? Don't you think I care about these people?"

Her eyes welled up with crystalline tears.

"But how can I focus on saving the world when all I can think about-is loving you? I don't wanna sleep. I just wanna keep on lovin' you."

* * *

Spike wiped the beads of sweat off his forehead with a grimy hand. Somebody set him up the bomb.

"Which is it? The red wire or the black wire-"

The line clicked a few times.

"Hello? What happen?" Spike asked.

"Hello Mr. Spike. This are terrorists speaking. We's infiltrated the base."

"CATS..." Spike said disdainfully. "It's you."

"All your base are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction."

"What you say?"

"You have no chance to survive...make your time."

* * *

"Get it together, Faye!" Jet yelled, "how is he supposed to know he is suffering from AMNESIA?"

Faye's lip quivered. Jet had never yelled at her like that. Was he hiding some kind of secret? Did he know more than he was telling her? Why was he yelling at her? She cried.

Just then, a giant light fell on Jet's head!

"Jet!" she screamed.

"I'm okay…" he said, standing up and shaking his head. "Wait…no I'm not. For I have…AMENSIA!"

Spike and Faye took Jet to the hospital immediately in the official Whoa!Girl ambulance. They sat by his bed the whole time, whispering reassuring words and stroking his body.

Then the doctor came into the room. He was wearing a white coat and glasses.

"Miss Valentine...I'm afraid I has bad news..." he said.

"Yes?"

"Mr. Jet's memory disappeared. I'm afreaid he'll never remember anything agian."

"You mean he's-"

"Yes. Just like Tara Reid-minus the sincerity."

"Oh, God!" Faye screamed.

Then the doctor walked away.

Mike took Faye lovingly into his arms. She pressed her cheek against his sunken chest and inhaled his smells. He smelled like pancakes and teen spirit. The deoderant. Not the song.

"Oh, Spike. What will we do? Jet has always been like a father to us. I mean...not in the way like a biological father, but like God the father." It was true. Jet often smited sinners and helped football players score touchdowns.

Mike swallowed very hard. Faye sensed his uncomfort and looked right into his handsome face. "You...you don't remember, do you?"

Mike shook his head, even though he thought the answer should be obvious to her by now. But he was very loving and sweet and didn't say anything.

A single tear rolled over Faye's porcelain cheek, and Spike brushed it away with his thumb. "Come away with me, Faye-" he said.

Faye took a very breathful gasp. "But spike-"

"Come tour with me and Woah!Girl. I...Faye, I don't think I can live without you."

"I can't leave Jet. He needs me. He needs US, Spike." (The first person pronoun, not the country-it's just in all captails for emphasis lol)

Spike/Mike looked into her face. It was very beautiful, yet also filled with an unassuming childlike innocence which he found quite sex-tisfying-which is sort of like sexy and satisfying all at once. It was an emotion he knew well. I mean-not _that _well. You know.

Faye gave a sigh like a mewling kitten and buried her face against Spike's glorious pecs once again. She could never leave Jet. Never.

Well, maybe.

Like if he were to become a vegetable. Or tragically lose more body parts. Or, perhaps, if he were to tragically lose more body parts to vegetables. She perished the thought-it was all too much to bare.

"We can't leave him, Spike," she said decidedly. "We just can't."

Spike nodded, although secretly he would have been happy to leave Mr. Jet behind in the hospital bed. What was he to Mike? What was Mike to him? And who was this Spike fellow that Faye apparently had such a hard-on fore? Not literally, of course. Or-no, not _literally._ Well, he was pretty sure, anyway. And even if she had, he'd love her all the same for it. Lord knew he had more that his fair share skeletons in his bedroom closet.

But his wayward tendencies toward grave robbing would be a subject best broached later. Like maybe on the second date.

"You're right. We can't leave him. He can come on tour with us and Whoa!Girl. It will be just like old times." He guessed, anyway. It wasn't like he'd know.

So Faye's eyes teared up again, which only caused Spike to fall more deeply in love with her. She looked beautiful even when she cried. Her face never got puffy, nor her eyes too runny, nor her nose too snuffly. Mike often found that bodily fluids put a damper on tender moments like these, so he really appreciated her lack of them.

So it was decided. Mr. Jet would go on tour with Spike, Faye, and the Whoa!Girl crew. And later they would maybe get ice cream or something.


End file.
